Quick replies are often driven by an unconscious need to feel safe, seen, or in control.
In a world where everything is instant, it’s hard to pause before doing anything. When you wait too long, a real sense of urgency can take over. Your thoughts can run rampant when a message is particularly triggering. Often, however, the instinct to react—quickly, defensively, sometimes harshly—comes from an unconscious need to feel safe, seen, or in control. Replies driven by those instincts are often regrettable.
Pausing is hard, especially in a culture that values outcomes above all else. In a world where speed is mistaken for competence and certainty for strength, stillness can feel intolerable. It can feel like you’re failing if you’re not constantly fixing, moving, and making decisions. The irony is that much of the damage in leadership is done in those impulsive moments. The fix is to turn inward.
Questions to ask yourself
I often get asked, “What are the steps?” “What is the formula?” “How do I do this?!” The truth is, pausing is less about applying an external technique and more about cultivating internal spaciousness. One way to do that is to listen to what is happening at the moment. I always ask my clients three questions that can apply to almost every situation:
- What am I not saying that needs to be said?
- What am I saying that’s not being heard?
- What’s being said that I’m not hearing?
That last question is especially vital. When you pause long enough to truly listen—beneath the words, beneath your defenses—you start to hear what’s being communicated beyond the surface. You hear the fear behind the anger and the longing behind the silence. Then, you start to respond, not just react. That’s the fundamental difference between a reply that invites conversation and one that leaves the recipient feeling puzzled, upset, or conflicted. It’s normal to lurch toward action to soothe your discomfort, but not because it’s the wisest move.
What you really want to say
I encourage my clients to slow down and turn inward before clicking send and ask not just why you react, but what is being touched on you when you do. When you feel the urge to react, ask:
- What is really happening to me right now?
- What old fear might be stirring up?
- Am I serving an unmet need, or is this really how I want to respond?
The truth is, pausing takes practice. It’s not a trick but a discipline of presence. Like any discipline, it gets easier with repetition and support. In coaching, I often invite leaders to notice the physical sensations that arise right before they speak or hit send. That tightness in the chest and that clenched jaw—it’s the body saying: Wait. Even a breath—just one—can interrupt the cycle.
Silence speaks
It’s common to mistake motion for meaning and visibility for effectiveness. But some of the most powerful acts of leadership come not from doing, but from pausing. The old Buddhist bumper sticker gets it right: “Don’t just do something. Sit there.”
It’s in the pause that you connect with your deeper knowing—the part of you that can discern signal from noise and fear from clarity. When you resist the compulsion to react, you create conditions for something truer to emerge. Not from ego, but from presence. Not from fear, but from integrity.
At first, pausing might seem like self-betrayal. Over time, however, you will learn that pausing isn’t a weakness. It is power grounded in awareness, and in that space, leadership matures.